Monthly Archives: February 2016

How to make your problem work for you

problems crossed out and opportunity circled

problems crossed out and opportunity circled

Last week I posted about how to see a problem as an opportunity. The very next day I was given an opportunity. As I share and teach on emotional intelligence, I have literally done mostly the dont'(s) in life. One day I started asking difficult questions once I was finally ready to face my own demise and be accountable. The sum total of everything that I had received in life was no one else’s responsibility, but mine. The equation for any type of change is this: think + be + do = have. If you don’t like what you have, you must go back to way that you think. Most of my don’t(s) were driven with pride, negative thinking, complaining and blame. Today, my ‘have’ is much better. My circumstances did not change, no one in my life changed, the storms in my life did not stop raging…… thought life is what is slowly turning the ship around in my favor. I say all that to say that I get the opportunity to share with people their ‘how to(s)” from personal experience, not just head knowledge. I have seen this put into action, not only in my life, but also investing 5 years into other’s lives and seeing their transformation.

I am in sales and I always find myself in roles where employers want me facilitate innovative ideas that go against the grain. I am so grateful for these opportunities because I always pray that God will do things in and through me that has never been done before in organizations. The only thing negative when doing this is that since there is no system in place, there is no security and things get changed quite often. My general manager came to me a couple of weeks ago and let me know that I was doing such a great job in business development that he was taking some accounts out of my name and handing them to an outside sales rep. That upset me because that directly affects my commission. He said that he had been thinking about for a couple of weeks and this was the third time he has changed the structure of my responsibilities. I was getting a little frustrated because of all the changes, but when it began to affect my pocket took it to another level for me.

If I am going to lead with high emotional intelligence:

A. I have to first be silent when I am being presented with a negative situation. At first response to negativity our brains default to the limbic part of our brain where we have emotions. I never want to respond from my emotions. When I respond from my emotions I am capable of saying things I regret and doing things that will have possible long term consequences. This can cost me pay increases, promotions and ultimately separation from my organization.

B. Problem vs. Opportunity. Emotional quotient 101 for me is shifting my paradigm to see difficulty as opportunity. If I make that simple shift, and simply by seeming my situation as an opportunity, I am filled with hope, I can learn from it and find a solution.

C. Trust. This is one of the core competencies in EI and this is one of the hardest. I need to trust that even though people’s decisions affect me, that I can benefit from it no matter what. You also need to trust that opportunities can work in your favor IF you respond properly. Employers will promote someone simply for their flexibility. I have had it happen to me.

So here is how my problem became an opportunity. I first told myself that I was not going to get upset and that somehow this was going to work in my favor. Second, I called my district manager and I approached him without complaint, but rather asking for help. How could I make up for the income that I was losing? He responded so positively and said that he did not want to lose me and that he had a couple of ideas. The next day, I found out that he had called my general manager and the outcome was a title change, base increase and double percent increase in my commission structure.

Most people when faced with change and problems immediately respond in fear and anger and then that progresses to disappointment. When you are disgruntled and disappointed a person begins to withhold the best of them from a relationship or their employer. In the end, the only one that is affected is you……you are not teaching your boss a lesson. You are exhibiting a low EQ to your employer and you will be passed over when it comes to growing with the company.

Again, at the end of the day, if you don’t like what you ‘have’ in life, you must go back to way that you think, stop the blame, take ownership and trust that things will work out to your benefit if you respond in a healthy manner.

I leave you with this: An employer will hire you for your IQ, but they will fire you for who you are (EQ).

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Posted by on February 29, 2016 in Uncategorized


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Which comes first?

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

I have to echo on a teaching from my pastor today because it was so rich and it was so insightful for me and I see what I’ve done in the past, yet I can see what I need to do in the future. He uses an analogy called stay in your lane. What does it mean to stay in your lane? When he counsels couples that are having trouble in their marriage he uses the analogy of the chicken and the egg. Which one comes first? That’s the million-dollar question as it relates to marriage biblically. The Bible gives very specific instructions to the man and he also gives specific instructions to a woman.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.b He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

Wives, in the same way show honor to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives

They are love and honor. God instructs the man to love his wife as Christ loves the church and he even goes on to say that if you deal with your wife treacherously which is another word for deceptive it says that your prayers will be hindered. We also see evidence of this in Malachi 2….Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. In this passage we see God speaking to men flooding the altar with tears because they can see that they have lost favor with God and God goes on to reveal to them that they have dealt treacherously with their wife.

While the wife is supposed to honor her husband. So when couples are in trouble the question gets raised which comes first, love or honor? Because a wife may say how can I honor someone who doesn’t love me or a man my say how can I love someone that doesn’t honor me!? Neither comes before the other that’s what it means to stay in your own lane. As a man you need to obey God and what he instructs you to do according to your wife, the man needs to obey that for his own sake. While the woman needs to obey God in her own right as it relates to her husband. If both parties will stay in their lane it actually allows God to be able to work in the other person as he needs to. If we don’t stay in her own lane and we don’t obey God, we take matters into our own hands and God cannot speak to the other individual and work in their heart, therefore, we take laps around the mountain and delay restoration or reconciliation and even allow ourselves to get in a place of permanent division.

I share things about my past because they were my experiences and I know that God will use them to help other people so I share things not to shame someone who was in my life but it’s really more about me trying to be a living example to show people what to do and what not to do so please see my heart as I begin to share a past experience.

I was in a relationship several years back and we struggled with what comes first. I had a hard time honoring someone who I felt did not love me. I believe he struggled with loving someone who did not honor him. Because we were immature spiritually and did not seek wise counsel, we not only tied the hands of God because we were fighting for our right to be right, but we did not get help in time. I also believe that I opened the door for the enemy because I lured him into an inappropriate act and I believe at that point that we lost whatever protection we had from God. Another thing that would happen is that he would distance himself from me and create division and he would threaten to leave. Division is from the enemy where unity is from God, Psalm 133 says that there is a blessing in unity, so there must be a curse in division. He fulfilled his own prophecy that he would make threats to leave and eventually his promise was manifested. I will never tolerate division in another relationship since it is an anti-christ spirit because it gives the enemy a foothold and I never want to carry out the enemies will, only God’s will. While I am not perfect and I am a work in progress, I have learned from the past and if I make a mistake, I quickly repent, accept responsibility, accept God’s grace and try never to repeat the same mistake.

Going forward, I need to always be mindful of doing things God’s way and stay in my lane. And if I obey Him and honor my husband even though he may not be honorable, the word says that I may win him over with my actions. I allow God to speak to his heart and convict him and reveal any truth to my husband. If I choose my way, I tie God’s hands and lose protection.

The same is true for husbands, if they are deceitful and dishonor and not love us, then their prayers are hindered. Which means there is no protection for our relationship. In proverbs the word says that If a man finds a wife he has found a good thing and finds favor with the Lord, we ALL need God’s favor in order to carry out the plans that God has for us and to be successful in our relationships… bring Heaven to earth as we need his supernatural power and wisdom.

Lastly, because we all have blindspots and lack wisdom, we tend to blame other people, but I can assure you that if you are or have been in a relationship, it was not all their fault. David directs us in a Psalm……. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. We have to stop blaming someone else because we were all a common denominator in a situation and our actions HAVE offended God and the other person — and to get back on his path is to admit our own wicked ways.

So as we are in a covenant and we are doing OUR part by staying in our lanes, praying, consulting him in our decisions, and honoring God by honoring our spouses, we have a Father that is present in our relationship working as the third strand that helps us from becoming broken.

I hope this helps you, it did me!!! God loves you!!!!!

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Posted by on February 7, 2016 in Uncategorized